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Felix Clay's Creative Debt Relief

Cracked.com columnist Felix Clay will custom produce personalized tales of wonder just for you!

Felix Clay's Creative Debt Relief

Cracked.com columnist Felix Clay will custom produce personalized tales of wonder just for you!

1 Campaign |

Toronto, Canada

$16,432 USD 526 backers

65% of $25,000 Flexible Goal Flexible Goal

Story

FAQ

Updates 31

Comments 93

Hi Kids!

I'm Felix Clay and I write for Cracked.com. Perhaps you've chuckled at my hilarious quips in the past. I hope so. Let's be pals!

Turns out when I went to college, I was supposed to pay. Oh my god, right? Who knew? Well, it's been a few years and it looks like the people who loaned me all that money want it back now.

Of course, if I were a smarter man I would have fixed this issue myself a long time ago, but I'm not a smarter man and I don't have a time machine so I have to deal with this today lest I be sent to modern debtor's prison. Do they have those? If not, I'll probably just have some guys in suits break my knees.

Basically I need to pay off a whopping $25,000 debt so that I can keep being cool and keep being me. But fear not, I'm not just expecting you to pick me up because I fell down, I'm not a 100% freeloader. Instead, I want you to help me do what I always do and this time you're the beneficiary. You help me and i'll write for you. I got perks, y'all!

As you'll see, I'm trying to do what I do best (or at least moderately well) on your behalf. Help me and I'll create for you. As for when, it'll be as soon as possible. But if 25,000 people donate $1 each, it may be a while for me to write 25,000 100 word short stories. But don't doubt that I will absolutely do it, it'll just take me a while. Please be patient if that's the case.

So why am I doing this here, to you cats? Because the internet is my home these days - this is where I live. I moved to Canada for my day job but I work here, i have friends here, I can be myself here. And for whatever reason, people like you like what i do and that's what keeps me going in life. Some people find their purpose in helping others, in raising a family, in caring for the sick, or animals, or inventing and creating. What I do is write. i make jokes, I make observations. I share ideas, and puns and wordplay. I do it because I want to make you laugh. The world is grim sometimes and we all have down days; bad luck, depression or just the weight of the world hitting us square in the back. So if I can lighten the load a little, put a smile on your face or make you laugh when things aren't their best, then I did my job. I always say I'm not curing cancer, but I'm doing what I have a talent for, and that has a place too.

if you can help me, awesome. if you can't , I just appreciate knowing you read this and know what I do. I'll keep doing it as long as I can.

Thanks!

FAQ!

Q. How do I send you the info you need for my story? Will you contact me or do I need to do something?

A:You have two options here! Either leave a comment with your name and preferred story details or wait for me to shoot an email your way. The email option will take more time.

Q: What am I allowed to do with my stories? Can I share them with friends on facebook? Can I laminate it and put it in my wallet?

A:Once the story is yours, it's 100% yours to do with as you please. Share it, post it, whatever.

Q: Was the orgy you attended a Canadian orgy, or?

A: Or!

Q: What kind of Doodles do you doodle?

A: This kind!

Q: What's in the Memento perk?

A: All memento packs will be different. but they will contain 2 items of my choosing and a story centered around them. This will give you an idea of maybe some of the kinds of things that could show up!

Q: What's the difference between a Felix Clay Surprise Pack and a Memento Perk?

A: The Surprise Pack is bigger and more intense. From a comedic standpoint, it's the difference between a pie in the face and like 20 pies in 20 faces. it's 20 pies better is what it is.

Looking for more information? Check the project FAQ

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Choose your Perk

featured

Deuces!

$20 USD

Twice the money, twice the prize! it's one thousand words of custom entertainment! You provide your name and let me know what genre you want, and go ahead and decide who's the hero and/or the villain. Will we be buddy cops? will you be the mad scientist and I your creation? I guess you'll have to let me know!

75 out of 100 of claimed

The Low Down

$1 USD

For one dollar I am going to write you a personalized, 100 word story. You give me your name and I will provide a custom, short story about us. will it be a romance? Ooh. A Western? Yippy kai ay! A horror? Eek and such! Hard to say, but it'll be one of a kind and feature you and I as the heroes!

80 claimed

Old Glory

$10 USD

if 100 words doesn't cut the mustard for you, then this might. You get a full 500 word story, just you and me, and you get to tell me the genre. Choose from; -horror -sci fi -western -superhero -romance Imagine you and me fighting aliens, or maybe seducing them in a sci fi romance, who am I to judge? It's your story!

78 claimed

Whose Line is It?

$15 USD

This is just a twist on Old Glory/Deuces for you, sitting right in the middle. You're going to get a 1200 word story, but you start it for me. Give me the opening sentence and the genre you want and I'll bust a move! "It was a dark and stormy night." "It was the best of time, it was the worst of times." "Gary stealing my ham was the last straw!" Any sentence you like, any genre you like. Make me proud!

53 claimed

The Time Machine

$16 USD

Straight from the archives comes something no human has laid eyes on in over a decade: Felix Clay Mysteries. When I was in highschool i had a weird habit of writing short, obscene noir stories that had the barest semblance of a plot and mostly existed to give me an opportunity to make my friends laugh at a handful of low brow dick jokes. For this perk you're getting all four stories I dredged up from the archives, a stunning 10,000+ words of absolute knock off noir detective insanity!

24 claimed

The Doodle

$25 USD

Did you know I'm not just a writer, I'm also an artist? It's not true at all. I can't draw to save my life. But man can I doodle. For $25 you're getting an honest to goodness Felix Clay original, hand-drawn doodle that includes a 200 word backstory for said doodle. Will it be of a cowboy riding a snake? A shoe that seems unhappy? Gary Busey? Oh, the possibilities.

25 claimed

Ships worldwide.

The Memento

$30 USD

Imagine your own 500 word story centered around a super secret thing. Is it a magical watch? An ancient medallion? A dollar store pregnancy test? You won't know until you get it. But you will get it, in your hand, in a package that includes two actual mementos from the story itself. Oh, that's right. I will mail you a 500 word story, all swanky and printed nice, plus the two key items the story is about - actual Felix mementos! ART HAS COME TO LIFE!

16 claimed

Ships worldwide.

The Canvas of Doom

$39 USD

Using nothing but the condiments in my fridge and an actual, art canvas of a fairly small size I will paint you one original picture that shames all the paintings made by apes, monkeys, dogs and elephants in the past!

1 out of 50 of claimed

Ships worldwide.

Fiddy

$50 USD

This is a sweet chunk of change and it makes me happy you care so much. For $50 sweet bones I am going to write you a fatty 2000 word story and I'll print the damn thing on my very own home printer and then sign it with something vaguely legible! then I'll mail it to you in an envelope I licked!

39 out of 100 of claimed

Ships worldwide.

The Surprise Pack

$75 USD

$75 is getting substantial so i'm going to give you a tangible thing. If you donate $75 I will mail you the Felix Clay Surprise Pack. What's in it? The sentimental value is way over $75. the practical value is probably less. But it will be one of a kind and completely special, just for you. Will it contain limericks? Iced tea? A can of tuna? Wait and see!

6 out of 100 of claimed

Ships worldwide.

The Full Felixy

$100 USD

This is a big deal. $100 doesn't seem like much, but if 250 people are kind enough to give me $100 I'm out of debt and that means a lot to me. And since you all know me from writing on Cracked what I'm offering is your own, personal Cracked-style article. Any subject you want (as long as I don't deem it personally objectionable) and possibly poorly researched, but yours and fully unique!

19 out of 250 of claimed

The Necromancer

$150 USD

This is kind of special and a late addition to the perk game - Necromancer is a full length screenplay I wrote that just about no one has ever read. It's horror, it's a fun take on zombie movies and it has gore to spare. For $150 you get a printed and bound copy signed by me! Be one of the first humans ever to read it and see if it's as awesome as we can all assume a zombie movie written by me would be. This will ship after the campaign ends!

5 out of 35 of claimed

Ships worldwide.

The Triple Threat

$199 USD

The Triple Threat is not 1, not 2 but 3 screenplays written by yours truly. Printed, bound and signed by me, you'll get Necromancer, Forevertown & Killface. Necromancer: A magician takes a terrible risk to save his girlfriend and must pay the price when it goes wrong Killface: The residents of a summer camp are picked off one by one by a killer who can change his face Forevertown: A man wakes up in the afterlife only to discover Heaven & Hell have been replaced by Forevertown

0 out of 50 of claimed

Ships worldwide.

The Elite Treat

$250 USD

I won't just write you a full length, personalized, one of a kind Cracked-style article, I'll format it, print it up nice and pretty, slap it in a shiny new display folder, sign it and mail it to your door. How ya like them apples?

5 out of 25 of claimed

Ships worldwide.

X-Periment U-Tube

$250 USD

This is your chance to work with me on an actual Cracked article! We'll pick some suitably awful Youtube challenges that we can all do together - probably 4-6 eating challenges, we'll gather supplies and then connect over phone/Skype/etc to do the deeds. You will incur expenses! We'll have to buy supplies for this. Be prepared. But then I'll write up our experiences for a an article that I'll submit later to Cracked.

0 out of 4 of claimed

Netflixin's

$300 USD

For $300 you can choose a half hour show on Netflix and we'll totally have a Netflix date watching the episode together on the phone. This is absolutely as awesome as it sounds. Yes I will block my number.

1 out of 15 of claimed

Perma-Awesome

$1,000 USD

This is the big time. You must really like me. You don't need a a short story written about you, you need to be a part of me for the rest of my life. For $1000 I will get your full, real name (no faking me out for comedy) tattooed on me. I will take photos of the tattooing process and the final product just to prove it to you as well.

1 out of 10 of claimed

Tyrannocopters

$2,000 USD

Say, have you ever seen my column header on Cracked? It features Tyrannocopters, which are awesome tyrannosaur/helicopter hybrids. For $2000 i will get a tyrannocopter featuring you as a pilot tattooed on me with you yelling a battle cry out the window. The tattoo process will be fully documented to prove its authenticity, just provide your name and a photo!

0 out of 2 of claimed

Ships worldwide.

The Big One

$10,001 USD

This is the craziest thing I can do for you. this will bond us for all time. I will get a full back portrait tattoo of your big, smiling face. The whole process will be documented for authenticity so you know it's real. i will literally have you on my entire back for the rest of my life. Make me proud!

0 out of 1 of claimed

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