The Script
INT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT
A scattered attendance fills the few seats of an old theater showing nothing worth watching but allows for an escape to the audience.
INT. RIGHT SIDE OF THE THEATER. 5TH ROW
A modestly hip dressed pretty woman sits alone looking somewhat aggravated as she eats her popcorn by the hand full. This is LINDSAY.
Suddenly a douche looking man wearing the exact outfit off an Abercrombie & Fitch mannequin strolls up to her. This is JOSEPH.
JOSEPH
Lindsay?
The woman looks up at the man, her demeanor doesn’t change much.
LINDSAY
Yes.
JOSEPH
Hey, it’s Jo, I’m really sorry for being so late.
LINDSAY
It’s alright, most of the guys Jamie set’s me up with are losers.
Joseph stands slightly opened mouth almost knocked back by the comment.
JOSEPH
Yeah, ahh, is it alright if I sit?
Lindsay exhales.
LINDSAY
I suppose.
JOSEPH
Thanks.
the two sit in awkward silence for a minute.
JOSEPH
So Jamie told me you were into music?
LINDSAY
Yep..
JOSEPH
Do you play anything?
LINDSAY
I play the drums and guitar a little and sometimes I sing in my brothers band.
JOSEPH
Oh wow, I’m on a date with a real rocker huh?!
Lindsay awkwardly smiles and nods her head. After a second she turns her head towards the screen and starts watching the film once more.
After a few seconds Joseph nods his head and smiles.
JOSEPH
So have you heard the new System Of A Down cd?
Lindsay tightens her lips and almost bites down on them trying not to laugh while she slowly shakes her head to signal that she hasn’t all while never taking her eyes off the screen.
JOSEPH
It’s cool, I’ll burn it for you.
CUT TO:
Just a couple aisles up and over sit three young men.
The one in between the other two, sits staring at the couple in disbelief shaking his head in disapproval. His hair unwashed, his beard weeks long, and his flannel shirt scorched with wrinkles. This is DAMIAN.
The one on the outermost side dead in the center of the theater stairs earnestly at the screen slowly chewing his popcorn enjoying every kernel. A fairly good looking shorter fellow with a grey t-shirt. This is MIKE.
And lastly, the one sitting closest to the couple and the aisle, turns his head back and forth from couple to screen trying to catch all the "action" happening around him. He is not so stylish yet is not a complete slob. He dresses like most 23 year olds: black jeans, vans, button up from urban outfitters. This is BEN.
DAMIAN
Look at this asshole.
MIKE
here we go.
Mike takes another bite of his popcorn while still staring at the screen.
DAMIAN
I mean, just talking her ear off while the movie’s going? What a rude ass... and that last line! Jesus someone kill me now! System of a Down?? Really? System of a Down?? Dude couldn’t have picked a more relevant band.
Damian turns to his friends.
DAMIAN
Hey guys you heard the new Nickelback single? Oh hey bros you check out that new Limp Bizkit jam. Jesus, I have never heard such a worse line, especially one to spark her interest back.
BEN
You have to admit though, that girls being a bitch.
DAMIAN
No I agree completely, but she has every right to. Didn’t you see her standing out front by herself waiting around the ticket booth the entire time it took us to arrive, get our tickets, hit the head, and buy our treats.
BEN
Oh yeah, that was her huh? Hard to see in the dark.
DAMIAN
Dude’s a dick, stood this girl up till almost the end of this movie then thinks everything is going to be hunky-dory once he pulls the System of a Down line. Give me a god damn break.
MIKE
Oh man, you guys just missed the best part.
Mike points at the screen.
DAMIAN
And you know what, I bet this guy does that shit all the time to these girls that somehow he gets dates with. In fact, I feel like most guys pull this shit. When I take a girl out I pull no stops. I pick THEM up and take THEM to a great movie and then the best pizza in the city. Afterwards, the park or maybe the beach if it’s not too cold. Somewhere romantic you know?
BEN
That’s why you’ve been on so many dates since you and Denise broke up?
Mike cracks a laugh.
DAMIAN
Okay, that’s true. I haven’t really been going out for a little while.
BEN
A little while? Dude it’s been 3 months and you only went out with Denise for what 5 months tops?
DAMIAN
I know, but I’ve just been waiting for the right person.
MIKE
Really? Cause it sounds like you’ve been watching too many romantic comedies trying to come up with the "perfect date" scenario rather than do your laundry which obviously you need to.
DAMIAN
What do you mean?
BEN
Dude, you look fugly as hell right now.
MIKE
Yeah man, you’re never going to get it in with that babe in sectionals if you look and smell homeless.
Mike still staring at the screen takes another bite of his popcorn.
BEN
Ahh, what babe is this?
DAMIAN
No one.
MIKE
This cute little chick named Sandy from class that Damian has a huge crush on but is a pussy and won't talk to her.
BEN
Why Damian, is this true?
DAMIAN
No... I.. I think she’s cute yeah but I’m not being a pussy I’m just waiting for the right moment.
BEN
The right moment? Dude it’s five weeks into the semester. Sounds like you’re being a pussy.
DAMIAN
No I’m not, we’ve had interactions.
INT. FINE ARTS BUILDING. CLASS 106 - DAY - (FLASHBACK)
Damian sits in his desk writing notes, next to him is a cute girl wearing big grandma glasses with a t-shirt, black jeans, and an american apparel hoodie. Her name is SANDY.
Sandy’s pen rolls off of her desk falling in between herself and Damian, she bends down to grab it.
DAMIAN
I got it!
Damian plunges head first down headbutting Sandy super hard.
SANDY
Ouch!
DAMIAN
Damn it.
The two rub their forehead respectively.
JUMP TO:
INT. FINE ARTS BUILDING. CLASS 106 - DAY - (FLASHBACK)
Damian is now sitting in a circle with a silent group of his classmates including Sandy.
DAMIAN
So, what are ah all of your names?
Sandy smiles.
CLASSMATE #1
Jake
CLASSMATE #2
Tim
SANDY
Sandy
DAMIAN
And I'm um, Damian.
Then nods his head, the group continues to be silent and again it becomes awkward, then Sandy looks up at Damian and as he starts to look back at her he suddenly sneezes and mucous get's all over his hands.
DAMIAN
Son of a bitch.
INT. RIGHT SIDE OF THE THEATER. 7TH ROW - NIGHT
Mike and Ben are cracking up, Damian sits unhappily.
DAMIAN
That’s the one set back, I think I’m allergic to her perfume or something. But besides that, I’m just not like you guys alright? I need more to say than just pick-up lines when I’m talking to a new girl.
BEN
Dude, what are you talking about just go up and talk to her. Walk up, open your mouth, and make noises. I’m sure she’ll reciprocate.
DAMIAN
Oh, maybe I should just walk up and start telling inappropriate jokes or something??
MIKE
Hey man, don’t hate on my style. That shit works.
DAMIAN
Like the hooker one?
BEN
Which one is the hooker one?
MIKE
Why do hookers make more money than drug dealers?
BEN
Why?
MIKE
They can wash their crack and sell it twice.
Damian’s face is horrified. Ben starts to laugh.
BEN
Oh my god, that’s a good one. How many chicks have you gotten with that one.
MIKE
Two this week
Mike picks the kernels out of his teeth with his tongue and shakes his head like he’s pissed, still not breaking away his eyeline from the film.
DAMIAN
That’s what I’m saying, I’m just not like you guys. I don’t want to talk to this girl or any other one for that matter for just a random one night stand.
BEN
Listen man all I’m saying is this, whether you just want to fuck them or you want to spend the rest of you’re life with them it all starts from talking. On Monday you need to sit by that Sandy chick and just start talking about something, anything and I swear you’re natural instincts will take it from there.. but before then you should probably do a wash and shower.
Ben winks at Damian.
DAMIAN
I don’t know guys, I feel like you’re no better than this asshole sitting down there.
Damian points down while still looking at his friends.
Mike breaks his concentration and looks down at the couple.
MIKE
Well that "asshole" down there is getting a fucking handjob in the popcorn bucket!
Damian throws his head around to see Lindsay’s hand moving extremely fast and popcorn flying everywhere.
Damian is shocked, Mike and Ben jump up and give a standing ovation.
BEN
Yeah buddy!!!
MIKE
Proud of you.
The couple turn around and become extremely embarrassed, they stand up and hurry out of the theater, Joseph struggling to put his pants back on trips over and quickly runs after Lindsay.
Mike and Ben continue clapping and yelling. Finally some other moviegoers towards the back of the theater get angry.
MOVIEGOER #1
Shhhhhhhhhhh!!
MOVIEGOER #2
Shut the hell up.
Mike and Ben sit back down.
BEN
That was awesome.
They both continue to watch the movie, Ben reaches over and grabs a handful of popcorn from Mikes tub.
MIKE
Dude what the hell man? You just took the last of my popcorn.
BEN
What are you talking about, there’s still stuff in there.
MIKE
No there’s not, there’s only corn kernels left.
BEN
Yeah, just eat those.
MIKE
What the hell are you talking about? No one eats those.
BEN
Yeah, they're like nuts. Go for it.
MIKE
What? No they aren't. They are like corn kernels because they are fucking corn kernels and that shit gets stuck in my teeth.
Mike takes a deep breath.
BEN
You want more popcorn?
MIKE
Yeah.
Ben looks over at where the couple were sitting.
BEN
I think I see some fresh popcorn sitting right over there. Maybe you'd like that? I believe it's extra buttery.
DAMIAN
I’m going to do it.
BEN
I was just joking dude, we’re not really going to eat that semen popcorn.
DAMIAN
No, I'm going to talk to Sandy on Monday.
BEN
Oh, good for you man.
DAMIAN
If that asshole can get a damn HJ, then I’m sure I’ll at least get Sandy’s number.
MIKE
Actually dude, looks like you won’t have to wait till Monday..
The film has began to roll credits and as the small crowd starts to file out the back, the three friends see Sandy and a girlfriend of hers stand just a couple aisles in front of them.
BEN
Oh dude!! Is that her? Awesome man, go talk to her dude.
DAMIAN
Holy fuck!!
Damian begins to turn red and sweat nervously.
DAMIAN
I’m not ready for this. I’m.. I don’t know what to say and I’m sweating and dirty and.. and.. I think I might have just shit...
MIKE
Suck it up bro.
BEN
Yeah man, just say whatever come to mind.
Ben and Mike each grab an arm of Damian and forcefully stand him up and drag him to the end of their row to meet Sandy as she walks up towards the exit.
DAMIAN
Guys, I’m serious, I.. I don’t feel well.
MIKE
Too late... HEY SANDY!
Mike ducks his head behind Damian.
Sandy now in the aisle way just feet from the guys, looks confused as she tries to make out the three shadows that stand in front of her.
SANDY
Oh.. hey.. you guys are in my sectionals right? Mike and Damian right?
The guys smile.
SANDY
And sorry, I don’t think we’ve met.
BEN
Oh, haha, Ben.
Ben puts a hand up to wave.
BEN
Nice to meet you.
SANDY
So, did you guys like the movie?
There is an awkward silence for a second before Mike hit’s Damian on the back forcefully.
DAMIAN
Oh.. yeah.. it was rad... how about you?
SANDY
Yeah, it was pretty good but this asshole a few rows up from us kept talking for like half the movie.
Damian looks awkward.
DAMIAN
Oh yeah, I heard that guy too, what an asshole...
Damian awkwardly laughs.
There is an awkward silence. Mike looks Damian dead in the eyes and nudges his head towards Sandy.
MIKE (Mouthing)
Make your move... do it..
Damian takes a deep breath and again looks up at Sandy, she smiles back at him.
DAMIAN
So Sandy..
Damian, Mike, and Ben all stand nervous.
SANDY
Hey, Damian, you guys want to come with my friend and I? We were about to get some food.
Sandy nods to her friend and her friend nods back.
Damian smiles to the rest of the guys get all stoked.
DAMIAN
Um, yeah, I would love t...
Suddenly, Damian starts to uncontrollably breath heavily. Ben shakes his head. Sandy looks horrified.
Damian sneezes extremely hard.
DAMIAN
Oh my god! I’m so sorry! Let’s get you cleaned up and - -
Sandy’s face is covered in mucous. Sandy stands somewhat stunned at what just happened.
SANDY
Is there snot on my face?!
Damian cringes and nods yes.
SANDY
Yeah.. um okay, um I’m going to leave now.
Sandy and her friend make a break for the exit.
Mike and Ben are unable to hold their laughter inside and start cracking up.
Damian’s jaw dropped with globs of snots hanging from his nose stands motionless.
Mike puts his arm over Damian’s shoulder while Ben hands him a napkin.
MIKE
Probably should have waited till Monday man.
BEN
Yeah, once you felt better...