Anyone who has known me for more than a day (outside of a Montreal winter) knows a few things:
1. I love Montreal. I love my church. I love Disarm.
2. I am from California so I talk with my hands.
3. I have a tattoo of a child crying (blood) on my left arm.
I am also the director of an anti-trafficking ministry called Disarm the Dark -
Through which I have arrived at the decision to have my tattoo removed.
I got the tattoo when I was 22 years old, just days before I left California with a backpack and some idea of Montreal that sounded like Broken Social Scene.
It’s impossible to say that I actually expected to leave California with less than $300 and immigrate to a new country/new city/new language. Similarly, I don’t really expect to fund my tattoo removal with indiegogo or even thought I would be writing this when I woke up this morning.
But here we are.
I made the decision awhile ago. I made the appointment this morning and on my way home from my first run in with a laser - I felt compelled to share this decision with my friends and family and invite others to be part of the work set before us.
I literally haven't actually told anyone yet. Surprise Ansley!
You can learn more about Disarm at www.disarmthedark.org or on facebook.
You can learn more about why I’m doing this here:
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Tattoo Question and Answer:
I get a lot of questions. I get a lot of stares. I get a lot of knowing nod while talking concern.
Is it a tattoo of me?
No. It is a Mark Ryden painting called “Rose”.
Do I like it?
Yes, I find it rather beautiful in a sorrow and love flow mingled down sort of way.
Why did you get it? No one I actually know has ever asked this.
When this question comes up it is usually crowded and with new acquaintances - I rarely feel compelled to explain myself and instead give an answer irrelevant enough to end it. Example: “Because children cry”.
At 22 years old I was still navigating a life heavily saturated by alcoholism in others and the heavy right hook of addiction bringing the lives of many people I cared about into unreachable, blackout spaces.
We grew up with fear in our frames, with fights and fall apart. We learned how to be silent and to create conversation like sleights of hand - out of nothing about nothing.
SECONDARY VICTIMIZATION:
Refers to a less commonly discussed form of trauma that results not from the trauma itself but the way a person is treated as a result of being victimized. This is often a more debilitating form of trauma because it alters the way a person perceives themselves and others; resulting in a deep sense of abandonment.
When I finally decided to gather up the bravery to build a life outside of everything I had ever known - I was met by the heavy blow of not being believed.
At least not enough to overcome being spoken to in low steady tones as if I were somehow creating a scene in the middle of a dinner party.
It was in reaction to this that I got my tattoo.
TESTIMONY
Many anti-trafficking efforts are made famous by the emotional retelling of people’s exploitation, suffering and survival. All of which is justified by the assumption that victim testimonies are essential to sharing this work with our communities and getting other’s engaged.
I thought my story was important.
That it would one day serve as some sort of encouragement to others - that it is who I am, so I had to hold onto it with both hands and ink.
But sometime years before Disarm was ever whispered in our ears, God asked me to let it go. To realize that the verse, “and the truth will set you free,” is about an actual truth found in scripture and not my personal honesty.
Putting down my own identity for my identity in Christ has been the most transformative decision of my entire life. Seven years later, I am speechless at the difference between the story I thought my life told and the one Jesus wants to tell through it.
Like Joseph who was sold into slavery and then made unrecognizable by the splendor of purpose (Genesis 42).
For this reason, Disarm will not be built on the stories of survival but only on the witness of the Gospel at work in our lives.
SELF IDENTIFICATION
There is a lot of discussion within anti-trafficking and specifically prevention about the pre-disposing factors that make someone more or less likely to: take risks, be recruited or thrive once removed from a trafficking situation.
Much of the resources available are set aside for individuals that self-identify as victims of trafficking.
If I personally had to name the most influencing factor of my ability to thrive, I would say:
That no one ever explained to me that I am a victim or told me I was special.
My friends were individuals who navigated a myriad of things that were to put it simply - irrevocable.
No one gave us the vocabulary social services use to describe “life.”
My church family was kind enough to teach me only that I am accountable to how I respond, regardless. From it I have learned that freedom lies in the ability to respond with compassion, with humility and grace.
For this reason I have personally become convinced that asking individuals to self-identify as victims is ultimately detrimental to their expectations, the way they relate to others and their ability to move forward.
I believe that our perception of victimization and the for profit industry that has been created from it, is the next forefront of civil rights. That nothing short of putting down all of our own instruments for emotional indulgence, shock and awe - will ever make a difference.
When I think of the great voices of change, when look at the life and ministry of Christ -
I don’t see a legacy of fight! for fairness or for freedom.
I see lives that led the way into a freedom from fear.
The hardest of which is a fear of surrendering our own identity, our own sense of vindication.
For what it’s worth, all of these things are the reason I am getting my tattoo removed and for all that Disarm seems to be brimming with - we are going next.
I would like to invite all of you to be part of that in whatever way you see fit.
Any money donated here will go directly to the work of the ministry, specifically the development of more widely accessible content, translation into french and salary for those working full and part time to forward a Gospel centered approach to these issues.
Thank you.
For all you have been to me for years, already.
Andrea