Marty Ploy

Riverside, California, United States

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how i get to this point. Experience, Strength & Hope

i wrote this back in March of 2011 it basicly explaines what i went through to get to where i am today. ----------------------------------------------------- hello friend, i started writing this a couple months back and worked on it here and there, well i havnt wrote on it in a few weeks so im just gonna post it as is. I hope you get some insight on a loved one or yourself or whatever, or its just a story of what i went through the month leading up to my sending myself to drug/alcohol rehab. Sorry that the last part is all over the place but like i said it was notes on what i was gonna write about and maybe i still will complete it someday, but some people have really been wondering when im gonna get this posted so i said forget it, ill post it now. You'll get the point anyway. This is a very honest article and i am not proud of what i have done but i am proud of what i have become because of it. Enjoy   here is alittle bit about me being an addict and what happen to leading up to getting help for myself.   The hardest thing for me was decideing to check myself into a rehab...since the last few years i'd been in a horrible place emotionally and physically, i started stealing from friends and even stole abunch of wristbands from a festival i help put on and sold them to cover my addictions , id been shoving cocaine into my nose like a god damn circus elephant starving for peanuts and drinking like an asshole from very early in the day til the next morning with the array of pills thoughout the mess i was consuming. i had so welcomely embrassed once i moved down south, ironic cause i moved to try and get my shit straight but obviously for 20yrs i had been "trying to get my life on track" while still blasting myself with every booze/drug you could think of and at insane amounts. One of my darkest moments of the steps that lead to me following through with this decision of getting some help for my addicitons was this last year at the festival i help curate. I had a complete mental breakdown from all the stress and using and lack of sleep ect... so what did i do? As i was crying uncontrolably on the corner in front of one of the venues. A friend of mine who just happen to see me blast past them sent her husband to go grab the car cause i needed to get outta there and it was totally obvious i was hysterical and needed someone to talk too that would understand and listen to me. As we sat on the curb down the street from the venue i burst into tears and cried and held her so tight and couldnt stop blasting emotions out, it was a very chaotic feeling which i had never experienced and would never wish on anyone. I felt as though my entire life had offically fallen apart in every single aspect and there was no looking back. What had seemed like hours of breaking down turned out to be all but 5 mins and as expected her husband pulled up and we got in the car. As we drove we didnt have anything in mind and anywhere specific to go, they just wanted to help me by getting me out of the area that we were in so i could get some composure and get my head back on straight. I as i mentioned i was a total nightmare, and there was only one thing i had on my mind that would help me calm down and help me forget how fucked i was feeling and that was my new favorite, heroin. I had only been doing it for a couple months and had become very fond of it very quickly. I Loved how it made everything disapear and how soft and simple it made looking at anything. My friends were trying to talk me into smoking a bowl instead cause im sure they knew that i didnt need to ruin myself for the day by shooting up, it tend to put me out of commission on the reg when i did it. I wasnt having smokin a bowl, i didnt need the anxiety that came from me smokin weed, on top of the breakdown i was going through...so i begged to goto their house and set me up with a shot...30mins later i was in the other side of town looking down with a needle in my arm. Feeling that warm rush and the idea of "what was i stressing over again?" I come too after getting adapted to my new comfort of not worring and look at the clock and realizing the main headliner for the fest had been playin for 10mins and i was on the other side of town. It didnt even matter to me at the time, except i realized where my using had gotten me, My happiest show moment and biggest band id ever been a part of putting on of anything was going on and i was missing it, let me stress, i NEVER missed a show of mine in 12yrs cause i was serious about making sure shit went ok (for the most part) i even skipped on seeing Bruce Springsteen afew years back (an ex girlfriend bought us tickets for my bday) cause i had a show at a coffee shop that same night....but that was what i did...i never let my addictions get in the way of my passion for music. My life had ALWAYS been a mess and so my life going down the drain wasnt much of a new thing so it didnt effect me too much... but after the festival i told a dear friend that i was gonna slow down...what happen? i partied harder than i had at the festival for 3 more weeks straight... i just couldnt do it anymore. I had been stealing from friends and i mean these are people i love with all my heart and hadnt a clue of how i was gonna face the fact of im about to make myself on the street homeless and had ruined a my relationship with my family due to this disease and most of my friends were just fed up with me and my being broke and always tryin to come up with some stupid fucking bullshit story just so i can get one more bump or one more drink or what the fuck ever was in my mind of making me get out of the sitiuation of how much i hated myself for putting myself in these situations. The disease is a cunning and bafling one and is much stronger than any single one of us. If you are an adict and you think you can quit and carry on in the direction of bettering your life on your own, you cant! it cant happen! Its a proven fact that over 95% of addicts that try to stop on thier own relapse and the darkness of your "hitting bottom" is much darker when you do relapse than when you decided to get clean. Thats a very scarey thought for anyone of us that have been in that dispair. Well back to my little downer of a story haha. A couple weeks after the festival was over all the curators got together to have a big "night on the town" to celebrate all our hard work and to go over how everything went. This was sure to be a blast, considering the people who put this on are some of the radest people i have ever met in my life and most of them i would drink with on a regular basis so i knew we were gonna be getting down. One of my friends who also was one of the curators came down to where i lived to meet up with one of the venues and pick up our share of the bar from that weekend. We decided to got a show that night at a bar down the street that the Nightmarchers ( i can forget about the anonimity for this cause its not important or part of the story, they are just rad as fuck!) were playin and we enjoyed ourself and decided i was gonna catch a ride back to where she lived and crashout in town for afew days til the curator party 4 days later. Well this is where it gets dumb for me, even more dumb than normal. I end up spending most of my money i had the first night im in town drinking with some friends and getting some cocaine and just having fun. Well, the next night i goto the bar with some friends after drinking for about 7hrs (give and take) and i see acouple friends that i know fool around with pills and whatnot. So i confront them and ask if they know where to get any pills and they ask, like what? Well of course im toasted and 10 sheets to the wind so i want what i really want and thats some damn heroin so i say i want some oxys. Let me stress that this area im in and my friends there dont really party aside from weed and drinkin and the occational shrooms. So i ask for oxys, and quickly i learn there are no oxys anywhere so i come up on some vicotin and come norco's and of course i pop those babies like a champ. I get discouraged cause i want what i want and i want it NOW. I start hitting up EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THE BAR even the bartenders bus boy. "you dont happen to know where i can get some heroin?" Almost imediatly i am getting gnarly looks from everyone and im fucking blasted and dont give a fuck what you think of me cause i want that dope and i want it now! I end up not finding any and i passout. The next day im hearing from people how i was out of control lastnight and scaring friends and offending poeple that were just there to enjoy a drink after a long day of work and what not. I dont give a fuck what anyone says or thinks of me. So by this time im just scaping by and eating maybe once those few days and drinkin whatever i can get my hands on, just so i can make it to that damn party at the end of the week. Cause everyone knows i aint missin an open bar tab even if i was shot and in the hospital id get out and be there an hour early. The party is a total success but by the time it came around i was in my lowest point in my bottom. Id been ruining relationships with friends left and right and with no concern until i sobered up for those mins when i wake up before i start using or drinkin. Its sorta funny how the party didnt have any situations involving my butthole thinking, but it didnt, i drank alot but so did most and then it was over, but what lead to this night was the damage. I wake up the next day and its a friend of mines bday party at a bar about an hour away and my great friend who i do shows with at his warehouse is playin with his band and my buddies from where i live are playin so im thinkin ok, i can goto the show with my friend up here and catch a ride home with the dudes from down there. My dumbass thinks this will work without making arrangments. So my buddy picks me up and we goto the warehouse and start drinkin and helping them load up the equiptment. We get to the show and im just worn the fuck out and have a large case of malnutrition. I figure out a way to get all the bands paid and scam free drinks for the band im with, so of course im doing this so i can get my drink on cause fuck knows i cant be out without a damn drink in my hand at all times. Nothing to eventful happens except i get some good talks in with friends and something clicks in my head at some point and i turn to my buddy that gave me a ride and say the craziest thing ive ever said out loud to someone, "i think im gonna check myself into rehab tomorrow." see, my mom and dad live very close to where i was and i didn know how i was going home, didnt know if i had a home to goto, didnt know where i was gonna go if i didnt goto my folks, not a dime to my name and my cell is dead so no numbers, so i called my mom the next day and told her i needed her help and needed to talk to her and my dad. That was on sept 19th 2010. Id been thinkin of doing it for years but was scared i wouldnt succeed cause this scene is so driven on partyin and i was scared i wouldnt have fun anymore and no one would wanna be around me. well, no one wanted to be around me anyway so i had no legit excuse, i was just an addict and my addict thinkin was way stronger than any will power i could conger up.   when i checked myself into rehab i went to a place in the mountains of azusa,ca and it looked beautiful driving up but i was also going through detoxing so i was car sick and just shitty in general... I get to the place and its set up like a fucking refugee camp in the woods...away from everything and very quiet... this ended up working to my advantage, the lack of city life around me made it very much easier to concentrate on myself instead of being distracted by the world... I instantly surrenderd to my addiction and got to participating in groups and luckly imediatly gained some new friendships within the community and staff. This really helped... My inpatient rehab was expensive since i wasnt on ssi basicly 6,000 a month and alot of ciigarettes haha. It was a fantastic experience and i grew so much... my rehab im in now is an off shoot of my inpatient program called SOCIAL MODEL RECOVERY SYSTEMS, its basis is having addicts interact and learn from one another and depend on one another, it sounds simple and silly wishing but it works if you work it for sure... the place was/is a dual diagnosis program (addict/mental illness) i dont have mental ilness, i did when i was using but that was cause i was using, since i been clean ive had zero symptoms and taken zero meds since checking in... I continued in this outpatient because i like learning about the disease aspect and learn it as much as i can so i can understand those who have to deal with mental illness and even help them if needed but studying about it ect... \I goto meetings NA/AA/DRA about 3/5 days a week and it REALLY helps to have a sponsor and work the 12 steps... its IMPOSSIBLE to do it anyother way if its as bad as i was, so i hear hahaha im not about to question that again though ahaha my life has never been better and i am so happy and content for the 1st time ever. Im taking life one moment at a time and enjoying the beauty there is in this world with great amazment... AA & NA are free programs and the people are very supportive. one thing i will tell you from my past experience is, about 3 years ago i tried quiting drinking and using for the first time in over 20 years of partyin'. I decided that i could smoke weed cause i never did anything that i regreted when "just stoned" so i went for it... i made it through about 3 weeks and i felt great but i was smokin all day everyday and i was still all clowdy in my mind and didnt really better my situation of living, i was still stuck in the same place i was when i quit except i wasnt pissing anyone off and i wasnt doing anything to hurt myself cause i caught myself not really doing much of anything... i ended up cracking about 3 weeks in and when i did i fucked myself up HARD i found myself in the worst place id ever been cause i let myself down and showed myself i was weaker then the addictions and it gave me a gnarly outlook on myself esteem and basicly made me feel and look at myself as a bigger failure than i already thought cause this drug and this drink is stronger than i am and i cant NOT use either. it took me 3 yrs to finally say fuck this shit im gonna die and did it right and sent myself off and willingly learned as much as i can about this fucker that was trying to kill me everyday and ive learned through going to meetings and getting a sponsor and wiorking w him that im fucking badass and can kick this fucking desease guys ass if given the chance and the willingness to do so...   Today i am doing great, i just moved back to Riverside where i am living at a soberliving house in downtown and ive never been happier. Im waiting to try and sign up for the culinary program at Riverside Community College next month. Im doing more shows than ever and people are really really supportive and my partners there are the best people i have ever met and grown into my best friends. I have a great relationship with my folks, which never was there, I mean for the last 20yrs i didnt have a relationship with my family, i was too busy being a piece of shit and thinking the world slowly revolved around me. I never once called them to say hello or i hope you have a good day, somehow it always wasnt the right time for that, but always the right time to ruin myself with selfish desires. But today ive had my father tell me her respects me and trust me and is proud of me... this has NEVER been said in 35yrs. This is one of the best things i have gained from my sobriety. I now live with zero regrets and havnt been depressed at all, which is insane since my life was being depressed for years before this. I still deal with stressful situations like right now im dealing with getting my court stuff in order for warrants from 2002. I am possibly facing some jail time but, im not gonna walk away from it or dodge it like i would have for years. Im walking into court on my own and facing my wrongs of the past and doing what is right and needs to be done, weather or not it turns out good or bad, cause when it is all over and taken care of i will feel a million times better and grow stronger in myself by taking responsablity for my actions. These are just the things that getting clean gets you to doing... taking care of loose ends and moving forward to a happiness and accomplishment that we never experienced while stuck in our addictions. This Sunday (march 20th) i will be celebrating my 6 months clean mark, to me this is a huge deal since before this the longest id ever gone w/o using/drinking was maybe 3 days. well, i hope this helped in someway or whatever... thanks -marty     if you kknow anyone this might help or anything feel free to repost this. i wrote this to help anyone. if any of you are thinking you wanna get help, please hit me up

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