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Living My Darkness: My Life with PTSD

Smokes finds light creating LIVING THE DARKNESS:MY LIFE WITH PTSD! Honest, heart wrenching but hopeful.

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Living My Darkness: My Life with PTSD

Living My Darkness: My Life with PTSD

Living My Darkness: My Life with PTSD

Living My Darkness: My Life with PTSD

Living My Darkness: My Life with PTSD

Smokes finds light creating LIVING THE DARKNESS:MY LIFE WITH PTSD! Honest, heart wrenching but hopeful.

Smokes finds light creating LIVING THE DARKNESS:MY LIFE WITH PTSD! Honest, heart wrenching but hopeful.

Smokes finds light creating LIVING THE DARKNESS:MY LIFE WITH PTSD! Honest, heart wrenching but hopeful.

Smokes finds light creating LIVING THE DARKNESS:MY LIFE WITH PTSD! Honest, heart wrenching but hopeful.

Smokes Torres
Smokes Torres
Smokes Torres
Smokes Torres
1 Campaign |
St. John's, Canada
$21 USD $21 USD 2 backers
0% of $5,240 Flexible Goal Flexible Goal
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I am COMMITTED to DESTROYING THE STIGMA of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)! There's no shame in asking for help because it is hard. I hope my book inspires people to adapt that world view.

A bit about me:

Smokes Torres is my pen name.

I am a 30-something professional in the social work field whose daily duties deals directly with the trauma of others and assisting them through their own darkness.

Like most suffering with Post Traumatic Stress (PTSD) I suffer the same paralyzing fear of being exposed as damaged or crazy. Due to the sensitive nature of the book, I am Smokes and wish to remain under an anonymous but unforgettable name. This actually allows me to be more honest- without fear of professional persecution/judgement or family shame.

I was born and raised in the province of Newfoundland, exploring many parts of Canada and the United States after high school. I graduated from Memorial University with a Bachelor of Arts with a Double Major in Folklore & Sociology and a Criminology certificate.

I live with my two beautiful cats who help haul me out of the darkness when I go too deep.

I am your typical jack of all arts type, with a soul full of humanity, spirituality and social justice.

Smokes does not use Facebook under any name, call me old school!

What will the money be used for?

I am raising money to publish my first book and to create a sense of hope for others suffering from the darkness of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).   The money will be used to self-publish the book as it is the quickest and easiest way to get the message out there.  This is also the lost dream that reawakened when all seemed lost.  And when I think about the beauty of all this pain, my heart overflows with love and conviction.  Still working to keep my hope alive 24/7, but this project really has given me a new found sense of empowerment. 

People love stories stranger than fiction so it should have that popular allure to a wide demographic.  More importantly in my eyes, it will break the silence and tell just how dark and dramatic the effects of my PTSD have had on my life due to my motor vehicle accident.  I look around and identify people suffering and have yet to be wrong when I have asked someone.  I want people to hear an honest story so they can have more understanding and patience, in return creating a greater sense of community, peace and harmony for the world one smile at a time. Peace.

Excerpt from LIVING THE DARKNESS:MY LIFE WITH PTSD

Of course my name isn't really Smokes (who would make their child suffer such a cruel fate!?!).  But in my most broken state, Smokes was born inside of me and that monster took over.  Many people reassured me I was not a monster, even though the growingly familiar look of fear in their eyes showed their lie.

 Smokes is not cruel or destructive by nature.  She is the dominant aggressor who has been growing and training inside me with every pain over the last 32 years; waiting in the shadows to help and protect.  Not a multiple personality (despite the language I use)  but a natural and relatively healthy defense mechanism  to escape danger in emergency situations.  But I got stuck and this protector that I had created to save myself in these times, took over.

I went into hiding and Smokes took over my body & mind.  Not fully though; the lack of self awareness would have allowed for a smooth ride through Smokes' self harming, destructive behaviors. Instead my true self had to sit by and watch the path of destruction.  I am as helpless as a family squatting underground inside the makeshift bomb shelter; waiting for the storm to pass.  I just have to watch as my monster acts in ways I don't.  Then I try my best to clean up the mess she has left me.

I essentially believe myself to be an addict of sorts.  My body has been pumped up with adrenalin and cortisol on a daily basis.  Unlike most addicts I don't have to pay because my body creates these chemicals for itself.  The catch is it also administers it when it wants it.  I do not even have the control of what goes into my body because my body is also my dealer; and a very generous one.

With Blessings, Light & Love to accompany you through the darkness, this is my story.

Smokes Torres

Knowledge is TRUE POWER so let us begin with the education portion:

What is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)?

Despite the fact that 1 in 10 Canadians will suffer from PTSD in their lifetime (www.chma.ca), PTSD is still very much a misunderstood & stigmatized condition.

I have tried writing based upon the research I have gathered for myself, but things did not seem very clear.  I came across a great article at a wonderful website from which I am going to share.  The website and article link is: 

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/post_traumatic_stress_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm

Please visit it for further information to help you and your loved one!  I will be tweeting the link to this article regularly as a big thank you for them having created it and for their help in providing me with insight into my own disorder.

 As Melinda Smith, M.A., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D. (2013) so kindly wrote:

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can develop following a traumatic event that threatens your safety or makes you feel helpless. Most people associate PTSD with battle-scarred soldiers—and military combat is the most common cause in men—but any overwhelming life experience can trigger PTSD, especially if the event feels unpredictable and uncontrollable.

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can affect those who personally experience the catastrophe, those who witness it, and those who pick up the pieces afterwards, including emergency workers and law enforcement officers. It can even occur in the friends or family members of those who went through the actual trauma. PTSD develops differently from person to person. While the symptoms of PTSD most commonly develop in the hours or days following the traumatic event, it can sometimes take weeks, months, or even years before they appear. 

Following a traumatic event, almost everyone experiences at least some of the symptoms of PTSD. When your sense of safety and trust are shattered, it’s normal to feel crazy, disconnected, or numb. It’s very common to have bad dreams, feel fearful, and find it difficult to stop thinking about what happened. These are normal reactions to abnormal events.

For most people, however, these symptoms are short-lived. They may last for several days or even weeks, but they gradually lift. But if you have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), the symptoms don’t decrease. You don’t feel a little better each day. In fact, you may start to feel worse.

A normal response to trauma becomes PTSD when you become stuck 

After a traumatic experience, the mind and the body are in shock. But as you make sense of what happened and process your emotions, you come out of it. With post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), however, you remain in psychological shock. Your memory of what happened and your feelings about it are disconnected. In order to move on, it’s important to face and feel your memories and emotions.

Symptoms of PTSD: Re-experiencing the traumatic event

  • Intrusive, upsetting memories of the event
  • Flashbacks (acting or feeling like the event is happening again)
  • Nightmares (either of the event or of other frightening things)
  • Feelings of intense distress when reminded of the trauma
  • Intense physical reactions to reminders of the event (e.g. pounding heart, rapid breathing, nausea, muscle tension, sweating)

Symptoms of PTSD: Avoidance and numbing

  • Avoiding activities, places, thoughts, or feelings that remind you of the trauma
  • Inability to remember important aspects of the trauma
  • Loss of interest in activities and life in general
  • Feeling detached from others and emotionally numb
  • Sense of a limited future (you don’t expect to live a normal life span, get married, have a career)

Symtoms of PTSD: Increased anxiety and emotional arousal

  • Difficulty falling or staying asleep
  • Irritability or outbursts of anger
  • Difficulty concentrating
  • Hypervigilance (on constant “red alert”)
  • Feeling jumpy and easily startled

 Other common symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

  • Anger and irritability
  • Guilt, shame, or self-blame
  • Substance abuse
  • Feelings of mistrust and betrayal
  • Depression and hopelessness
  • Suicidal thoughts and feelings
  • Feeling alienated and alone
  • Physical aches and pains

Symptoms of PTSD in children and adolescents

In children—especially those who are very young—the symptoms of PTSD can be different than the symptoms in adults. Symptoms in children include:

  • Fear of being separated from parent
  • Losing previously-acquired skills (such as toilet training)
  • Sleep problems and nightmares without recognizable content
  • Somber, compulsive play in which themes or aspects of the trauma are repeated
  • New phobias and anxieties that seem unrelated to the trauma (such as a fear of monsters)
  • Acting out the trauma through play, stories, or drawings
  • Aches and pains with no apparent cause
  • Irritability and aggression

If you suspect that you or a loved one has post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), it’s important to seek help right away. The sooner PTSD is confronted, the easier it is to overcome. If you’re reluctant to seek help, keep in mind that PTSD is not a sign of weakness, and the only way to overcome it is to confront what happened to you and learn to accept it as a part of your past. This process is much easier with the guidance and support of an experienced therapist or doctor.

It’s only natural to want to avoid painful memories and feelings. But if you try to numb yourself and push your memories away, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) will only get worse. You can’t escape your emotions completely—they emerge under stress or whenever you let down your guard—and trying to do so is exhausting. The avoidance will ultimately harm your relationships, your ability to function, and the quality of your life.

 Why should I seek help for PTSD?

  • Early treatment is better. Symptoms of PTSD may get worse. Dealing with them now might help stop them from getting worse in the future. Finding out more about what treatments work, where to look for help, and what kind of questions to ask can make it easier to get help and lead to better outcomes.
  • PTSD symptoms can change family life. PTSD symptoms can get in the way of your family life. You may find that you pull away from loved ones, are not able to get along with people, or that you are angry or even violent. Getting help for your PTSD can help improve your family life.
  • PTSD can be related to other health problems. PTSD symptoms can make physical health problems worse. For example, studies have shown a relationship between PTSD and heart trouble. By getting help for your PTSD you could also improve your physical health.

Source: National Center for PTSD

Now the 'About Me' section.  Let's begin with my daily PSA:

Please help yourself and get the help you need, there is NO SHAME! Even though life might seem hopeless right now, there is hope because I have seen a glimpse of it and I'm gonna to at least fight to try to be my normal self again!

It is VERY important to find a counselor who is Trauma trained or familiar with PTSD (but any counselor can help you through a tough time until you find one!).  I could easily have been misdiagnosed if mine was not.  It is sad and scary but a reality, so Trauma trained & PTSD, remember to mention those!

LIVING THE DARKNESS:MY LIFE WITH PTSD, is my personal account of PTSD and my understanding of it. 

What caused my PTSD and inspired this project?

I was in a Motor Vehicle Accident and somehow got lost in the darkness of myself that I had no idea existed.  I went from listening to spiritual reggae music to gangsta rap.  My family doctor (who has saved me from a deep rooted depression in the past) looked at me almost in tears, shock apparent at the scared animal that had replaced the ever loving, humanitarian he has treated for almost 10 years now. The blankness in my eyes with the confident smile scared him as much as it did me the first time I noticed it. It is hard being in a room with people you love and them looking at you afraid of the stranger occupying the body that once belonged to someone they love. 

I saw two soldiers on their lunch break; I went to them and huddled, ensuring they knew there was no shame in getting help for PTSD, breaking into tears and explaining I am suffering and getting the help I need. Then I left. The older, distant man came to my car after reached in hugging me and said thank you. 

I knew then and there I need to tell my story, help the medical community and fighters/families of this dark, consuming illness understand the importance of continued research to fund better treatments for  PTSD. Within the hour someone had introduced me to crowdfunding and a light bulb went off. 

As an avid reader, I KNOW my honest, real life story to be greater and stranger than fiction. LIVING THE DARKNESS:MY LIFE WITH PTSD is my contribution to DESTROYING the stigma attached to PTSD ( and mental illness in general). I also believe that when things are meant to be, the universe lines things up (like in my story).  But it is up to us to open our hearts and listen. There is no shame in getting the needed help.  Please help me spread this message.

Stretch goals if my $7,500 goal is exceeded:

At $10,000 I will do the research for a local  PTSD Public education program.

At $15,000 I will locally implement PTSD Public education program (which is not currently available in my city).

At $20,000 I will create and run a community PTSD peer support group (which is not currently available in my city).

At $75,000 I will take a year off my job (when I get back there!)  to promote my book throughout North America in 2015.

At $100,000 or greater I will add as many international dates as possible to promote book and public education programs in 2015.

***Regardless of these stretch goals, I would like it to be clear these are projects my future hold regardless!  The time frame, as always, is dependent upon financial constraints.  It's the way of the world!

Blessings, Light & Love,

Smokes Torres@kwestladi (Twitter)

P.S I am also the artist of any visual art you see used in this project.

Please Note: This book deals with disturbing darkness and also sometimes uses explicit, classless language. After much consideration if this was necessary, I have decided it is to truly show what my monster looks like.  There will be no stretch of the facts because there is no need for it, I could not make up half of what I have had to live!  

Risks and Challenges

The biggest risk is that I am suffering with PTSD and have no idea where this journey will take me. If my illness gets even more severe, at worst my release date may be delayed. 
All the research I have read strongly suggests that helping others is one of the quickest ways to reconnect to emotions and begin reintegration back into one's previous community. 
Also I have always dreamed of writing a book, so in a sense telling readers how my dream life was taken away due to someone texting while driving, by fulfilling a different dream is empowering. 

Remember Most Importantly... 

I am COMMITTED to DESTROYING THE STIGMA of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)! There's no shame in asking for help because it is hard. I hope my book inspires people to adapt that world view.

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