My life has been driven by fear. Fear of looking bad. Fear of the unknown. Fear of being weak. Fear of facing the abuse that molded my future decisions.
Taking my life was only one glimpse into the catacombs of discretion my father outlined before me, as he took off his belt to beat me, or teach me a lesson of vengeance. All the while, I lived in dark shadows for much of my life creating relationships of toxicity, embracing illegal substances in an effort to blind myself from the prey I was, and the perpetrator I would become.
My behavior began with destroying simple, natural living creatures, and mimicked this psychosis in angry, hardened criminal like activities. Yet, deep within the depths of my soul I knew there was a rainbow, there was a yearning for the kindred memories of laughter and love with my mom and siblings. These were few and far between, although present within the looming, barren numb fields of my mind, fruitless and doubtful for hope.
Life for me had become a monotony of imperfect band-aids to fix the crap of my life; with mental facilities, broken hearts, and angry fists. Even my failed marriage was an attempt to reconcile my sins, misguiding my passionate sex life for real love; a reality I would soon face. And although life was wildly adventurous, it was still grim.
The echoes of my behavior continued throughout my years of soul searching, but again, below the scars I always envisioned an ethereal light, a savior if you will, and often this light was met when I took on roles of varying characters in my acting profession. These, and more bitter bereavements led me to lift myself from sovereign ashes and rejuvenate the spiritual earth of sobriety that rested beneath the stifled sobs.
The memoir presented before you is a mere sliver of the weeping willow I was, and the strong, sapling - grounded, and fierce I became.
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